The Truth!!! This is hard to share!!
Rock Bottom!!!By TwinTluv
So it is finally time for me to do this. To do what I have been putting off, to my own detriment, for about two months now. I only share this story because of a friend of mine, who has told me I can be an inspiration. That I can motivate!!! I thought to my self, the very thing I need now, one of my biggest stresses is my complete lack of motivation! I seem to have lost my will power….my determination. I think it was easier for me to say I have just reached all my goals, gotten what I always wanted, true love!! I have met my real life partner, the one I will grow old with, but that is not it. Happiness does not make you fat, prior to how simple an explanation that might be!! So I decided….. I was going to put it all out there! Be so brutally honest that I would have no choice but to get it together and do what I know I have to do, because I have done it before, and successfully!! I have a friend who is struggling with addiction, and I see all the shows and they say the addict has to hit rock bottom to make the real decision to change their life, and that makes a lot of sense to me. I guess the thing they don’t say is sometimes you may hit it, and not realize it, and it can have the exact reverse affect!!!
So here it is …. as you all know I got married in October, after almost a full year of stress and drama and all that stuff that you know comes along with a wedding, but are yet still not at all prepared for!!! Of course I included some pictures here because regardless of anything that may have happened I felt most beautiful on this day! Yes, I could wish to have another day in my lifetime where I felt I looked as good, if I didn’t I would not be disappointed at all!! ( Yeah it felt that good!!!!) So anyway what nobody but me,
Kris and maybe
Jennifer’s boyfriend, who helped with the luggage that night, knows is……………. I was called FAT on my wedding day!! I guess I could be being dramatic but I wish I could find the words to explain how I felt. Imagine looking the best you think you could possibly look and still being insulted. And in such a way!! I thought I had come to terms with that word, thrown around so easily, even by me!! Maybe it was more the situation, which is even more embarrassing to share.
Here are some of my wedding pictures!!!
We were checking into our suite at the hotel that night and I was still in my wedding dress (full on everything, tiara, veil, the whole nine yards!!!),
Kris in his tuxedo and I was at the front desk and
Kris was getting our bags. There was a bar right there by the check-in and some drunk guys had made their way into the front area. They weren’t even quiet about it. One guy asked the other guy if I was a drag queen? I thought maybe I miss heard, but the other guy said no way she is just fat. Then he said I don’t know man, look at those shoulders!!! Now I have to add that for me this was a extremely low blow because I already felt extremely self conscious of my arms was nervous about wearing a dress with the arms out, but I really wanted a sweetheart neckline and that is not easy to find with sleeves, without looking like you are wearing a cape!! So, I of course got
Kris and told him and he was mad, but told me to forget about it, but that is the thing about him. He is just great like that. When he says he doesn’t care what other people think, he really doesn’t and that is what instantly drew me to him. He is okay with who he is and I soooo long for that! but I am getting there, with alot of thanks to him!!! I am sure if you asked him, he might not even remember that happening, he would only remember the good stuff, he is such an optimist!!
So, this is what I finally now feel I understand. That was my rock bottom, I just didn’t realize it. So I did what I do best, I smothered it, and tried to forget about it but it always bothered me. It was always there, nagging at me, making me feel ugly and ashamed I was fat, so I did what I always do. Without getting too into personal stuff I lost my appeal as a woman to put it lightly, at least in my eyes. I felt disgusting and gross and worst of all I let it affect my relationship with
Kris. I reflected my feelings on him!! And to make matters worse, I went back to my old comforts of cookies and cakes and sweets and fried foods. All the things it had taken me months to not crave anymore, and they were back in an instant!! I have gained weight back faster than ever before! This scares me!! It scares me not only for me but for my new marriage. It has changed me, the love I used to have for myself is dwindling and I know that I can’t love him, if I can’t love me!! I will not let my insecurities and self esteem issues ruin my life. I will not let food have control of my life. Not anymore!!
As some of you may know I bought a special dress for the night of my wedding rehearsal, but unfortunately by the time the wedding came around, surprise surprise the dress did not fit!! I am definitely an emotional eater and weddings, well they are as emotional as it comes, at least it was for me!! And just in case you didn’t, of course I included a picture!!! (hey I think it is a good one!!! lol) So, what I am hoping is to fit into this dress in time to wear it for my birthday in March!! (end of March so it is definitely possible!!) So this is why I am telling this embarrassing story and pretty much in a way coming clean. My friend has been trying to get me to write something for about a month now and I have been putting it off, because I knew this is exactly what would come out!! But I did it, and now it is out there, and if it is out there and no matter who might see it, well then I am as embarrassed as I can be about it, and I can move on. And maybe if I can motivate one person, or something, then it will give me the motivation to achieve my own goals once and for all.
This is the dress:
This is just my short term goal, I definitely have long term goals, but I believe in celebrating every step of the way, every accomplishment no matter how small!!!
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The ones who should be embarrassed are the 2 losers at the hotel who have such empty lives, they need to tear down other people. You looked beautiful on your wedding day, and don’t let them take that away from you! Your husband thought you were and are beautiful, so the childish words of drunk bullies are just that: blah blah blah. And hey, weren’t they there getting drunk together? Shows you that no one else really wanted to be in their company, and no wonder!
You and your husband handled it just fine. Giving idiots like that attention is like feeding the animals at the zoo, just gets them wound. The words of another person can never take away the love of your husband, and it shouldn’t take away your love for yourself. Don’t give jerks like that power over you.
The only words you need to be concerned about are the words that come out of your husband’s mouth. No one else’s, because people can be cruel and evil. Kris loves you. You love him. You have a wonderful new life together. There’s nothing better than that. I’m glad you blogged this. Know why? Because this is your first healing step to hitting that rock bottom and climbing your way out of it, which I know you can do. I’ve seen you do it. To lay it all out there, buck nekkid and bare for all to see, so to speak lol, can be so helpful, and Toni, you KNOWWW that BuddySlim peeps here will do nothing but reach out their hand, help pick you up, and march right along beside you on this journey, because the peeps here have compassion, understanding, and they know that there is strength in numbers.
And just so you know, I love that very first pic you posted. And out of all the other wedding pics you posted awhile back, this is my fav one. I can see that tear rolling down your cheek, and I know it is a tear of joy for the union of two beautiful souls. It really touched me then, and it touches me now. I hope you have that one blown up, framed and matted and hanging where you can see it every single day.
Big HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS,
Shan
I was wondering where you got to. Missed your daily jokes. Think the rest of my office did too, because I usually send them around.
I am so sorry you had to listen to crap like that on the most special day of your life. I had people call me fat to my face (one guy actually got right into my face and shouted it at me), and within hearing distance. I know how awful it feels, how you feel less of a person and even “worthless” because of it. But you are not worthless. You are so beautiful. Looking at your puffball dress… girl have you seen your legs?!
One step at a time girlie.
Hope the honeymoon etc went really well.
Great to have you back.
lol, I totally agree about those 2 drunk guys being in each other’s company… you didn’t see one of THEM with a wife, did ya? Cuz they are ignorant and rude.
Look deep into Kris’ eyes, see what he sees, let that come back out in you!
OMG….for one they are drunks….look what their life is about….you are always so positive and inspiratoinal. I know you can do it!
Toni, you have a smile that lights up the whole church, I just know it comes from your heart. Don’t let anyone dim that light. I know you can’t just erase a hurtful memory…I have a few of my own and even though they’re more than 60 years old they just don’t go away. (all those ‘fatty fatty two by four’ chants from grade school
sniff, sniff) You have two choices, the way I see it. Let it get you down (you already did that) or use it to fire up that determination that your buddies here know you have. You and Chris make a delightful couple. I can see how much you love each other. You CAN’T seriously think two low-life drunks can take that away. Love and best wishes for your happy marriage. Now get busy girl! We all know you can do it! 
These guys have said it all girl. We look at you and those pics you were sweet enough to share…and we such a beautiful woman who is so in love and lucky enough to have a man that loves her with his whole heart.
Now, hands on my hips..with that look…this is what Kris sees in you..and its what we see in you…now, you gonna tell me that me & Kris and all of us at buddyslim are wrong verses two drunks..I think we are right!!
I’m with Sandy, if your gonna keep this in your mind..you use it for your good..use it to fire you up and get your moving towards your goals.
My sister made hurtful comments to others about me..and I found out about it…guess what..I’m here to prove her wrong.
Glad your back…hugs!!
Come on girl..you can do this!
Love Debbie
You are beautiful!
LOVE that man of yours and listen carefuly to what he says. HE and you are who are important…not two drunk stupid strangers (even tho I know it hurt).
Thanks for sharing your story with us and your pictures. You look absolutly beautiful. Don’t listen two some drunk idiots. Maybe they were just mad because they couldn’t have you
There will always be people around saying something stupid about other people no matter what size. If not the size they have something to say about the hair color. I know it hurts when you hear something like that, but listen to your honey. He is right. Only people that matter can hurt you! You are beautiful and don’t let anybody tell you any different. You can do it girl! And you will look even more beautiful in your dress when you wear it on your birthday. 
Wow girl I can’t even imagine what I would’ve done if someone had done that to me. I don’t think my hubby would’ve just left it… Gosh!!
Kudos to you. I’m glad you’re back at this. I gained back half the weight I’d lost when my wedding came up, but I still felt fantastic as well.. amazing how that works isn’t it?
For one you are beautiful!!! and you said the key words DRUNK and Guys… they are just immature jerks with alcohol in them. I know I wouldn’t be able to let it roll of my shoulders either, but what matters is that you felt beautiful inside and out!! You looked gorgeous :o)
Sweetie, I am so sorry for what you had to endure with those drunk jerks! I don’t know anyone who could’ve let all that just roll off their shoulders. What I am glad for though, is that you are going to turn that awful situation into a good one and use it to power yourself through this weight loss journey. I have found in my own personal life that it’s these sort of rejections that can give the most power for success.
For the record, you ARE a truly beautiful woman and I love the pics from your wedding day. I remember seeing them way back when and again now. Don’t let those morons take away your joy.
Those guys were total jerks. It reminds me of something my mother in law told me. She has been trying to loose weight and started running and just was about to complete her big marathon when a drunk guy yelled “Go grandma go” and that really hurt her feelings. She said “hey I would love to BE a grandma but…” She is only 54, and doesn’t look that old, the woman just ran 5 hours….
All these guys deserve to be kicked in the front, HARD. Jerks.
Don’t let anyone take away your special moment, I know it is hard but you DID look beautiful and deserve to be happy.
I am glad you are back and you’ll be into that dress in no time!