Rock Bottom!!!By TwinTluv
So it is finally time for me to do this. To do what I have been putting off, to my own detriment, for about two months now. I only share this story because of a friend of mine, who has told me I can be an inspiration. That I can motivate!!! I thought to my self, the very thing I need now, one of my biggest stresses is my complete lack of motivation! I seem to have lost my will power….my determination. I think it was easier for me to say I have just reached all my goals, gotten what I always wanted, true love!! I have met my real life partner, the one I will grow old with, but that is not it. Happiness does not make you fat, prior to how simple an explanation that might be!! So I decided….. I was going to put it all out there! Be so brutally honest that I would have no choice but to get it together and do what I know I have to do, because I have done it before, and successfully!! I have a friend who is struggling with addiction, and I see all the shows and they say the addict has to hit rock bottom to make the real decision to change their life, and that makes a lot of sense to me. I guess the thing they don’t say is sometimes you may hit it, and not realize it, and it can have the exact reverse affect!!!
So here it is …. as you all know I got married in October, after almost a full year of stress and drama and all that stuff that you know comes along with a wedding, but are yet still not at all prepared for!!! Of course I included some pictures here because regardless of anything that may have happened I felt most beautiful on this day! Yes, I could wish to have another day in my lifetime where I felt I looked as good, if I didn’t I would not be disappointed at all!! ( Yeah it felt that good!!!!) So anyway what nobody but me,
Kris and maybe
Jennifer’s boyfriend, who helped with the luggage that night, knows is……………. I was called FAT on my wedding day!! I guess I could be being dramatic but I wish I could find the words to explain how I felt. Imagine looking the best you think you could possibly look and still being insulted. And in such a way!! I thought I had come to terms with that word, thrown around so easily, even by me!! Maybe it was more the situation, which is even more embarrassing to share.
Here are some of my wedding pictures!!!
We were checking into our suite at the hotel that night and I was still in my wedding dress (full on everything, tiara, veil, the whole nine yards!!!),
Kris in his tuxedo and I was at the front desk and
Kris was getting our bags. There was a bar right there by the check-in and some drunk guys had made their way into the front area. They weren’t even quiet about it. One guy asked the other guy if I was a drag queen? I thought maybe I miss heard, but the other guy said no way she is just fat. Then he said I don’t know man, look at those shoulders!!! Now I have to add that for me this was a extremely low blow because I already felt extremely self conscious of my arms was nervous about wearing a dress with the arms out, but I really wanted a sweetheart neckline and that is not easy to find with sleeves, without looking like you are wearing a cape!! So, I of course got
Kris and told him and he was mad, but told me to forget about it, but that is the thing about him. He is just great like that. When he says he doesn’t care what other people think, he really doesn’t and that is what instantly drew me to him. He is okay with who he is and I soooo long for that! but I am getting there, with alot of thanks to him!!! I am sure if you asked him, he might not even remember that happening, he would only remember the good stuff, he is such an optimist!!
So, this is what I finally now feel I understand. That was my rock bottom, I just didn’t realize it. So I did what I do best, I smothered it, and tried to forget about it but it always bothered me. It was always there, nagging at me, making me feel ugly and ashamed I was fat, so I did what I always do. Without getting too into personal stuff I lost my appeal as a woman to put it lightly, at least in my eyes. I felt disgusting and gross and worst of all I let it affect my relationship with
Kris. I reflected my feelings on him!! And to make matters worse, I went back to my old comforts of cookies and cakes and sweets and fried foods. All the things it had taken me months to not crave anymore, and they were back in an instant!! I have gained weight back faster than ever before! This scares me!! It scares me not only for me but for my new marriage. It has changed me, the love I used to have for myself is dwindling and I know that I can’t love him, if I can’t love me!! I will not let my insecurities and self esteem issues ruin my life. I will not let food have control of my life. Not anymore!!
As some of you may know I bought a special dress for the night of my wedding rehearsal, but unfortunately by the time the wedding came around, surprise surprise the dress did not fit!! I am definitely an emotional eater and weddings, well they are as emotional as it comes, at least it was for me!! And just in case you didn’t, of course I included a picture!!! (hey I think it is a good one!!! lol) So, what I am hoping is to fit into this dress in time to wear it for my birthday in March!! (end of March so it is definitely possible!!) So this is why I am telling this embarrassing story and pretty much in a way coming clean. My friend has been trying to get me to write something for about a month now and I have been putting it off, because I knew this is exactly what would come out!! But I did it, and now it is out there, and if it is out there and no matter who might see it, well then I am as embarrassed as I can be about it, and I can move on. And maybe if I can motivate one person, or something, then it will give me the motivation to achieve my own goals once and for all.
This is the dress:
This is just my short term goal, I definitely have long term goals, but I believe in celebrating every step of the way, every accomplishment no matter how small!!!
Comments(4) 
XML Feed
