Archive for April, 2008

Wednesday!

Garfield on the oil crisis


 


A lot of folks can’t understand how we came



To have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there’s a ver y simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn’t know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~ 

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~ 

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

And

Texas

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

Are located in

Washington, DC !!!

Any Questions???

 

NO? Didn’t think So.

HAVE A GOOD ONE!!!!

Tuesday!!!

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive  is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm  voice said, “Come on in.”
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was  all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side  near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my  window?”

“Uh.yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for my self.”

Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do.
And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!”

“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world,” she said.

“Consider it done,” the genie sai d. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”

You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”    
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
“No Kidding,” he said. “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

HAVE FUN TODAY!!!!

Monday!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE IT!!!!

 too funny

wonder if he even knows that is behind him?

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday!!!

Best Divorce Letter Ever
 
Dear wife: 
 
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.
I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.  These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.


Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps.  You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.  Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. 
 
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to
West Virginia together!


Have a great life! 
 
  
Dear Ex-Husband 
 
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.  I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.  I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’  Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. 

 

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.  About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. 

 

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it
out.   So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my
job & bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica   But when I got home you
were gone.  Everything happens for a reason, I guess.  I hope
you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. 
  
Signed, 
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! 

Love it!!! Have a great weekend!!!

My wedding cake!!!!!

Okay so I 3 (technically 4 becuase Kris’ grooms turntable cake is actually 2 cakes!!) cakes for our wedding.

Our original wedding cake was a huge red and green Vegas themed cake with poker chips and cards on it, becuase that is our theme for the reception, Vegas!! btu people were sayign it was tacky to have that as my wedding cake and blah blah blah. i don’t care what people think anymore but then i started thinking about the whole cake smashing, becuase even though I ahve threatened him, I jsut knwo Kris is goign to try and smash some cake in my face sooooo I started thinking about do I want to have red and green frosting smashed in my face on my wedding day. UMMMM I DON’T THINK SO!!!

So luckily I went ot a bridal show and won a cake from Browen Webber and I am not sure if any of you guys watch Food Network liek I do, btu she is a world known cake designer and the reigning cake decorating champ so I am super stoked!! So anyway I won a free weddign cake form her, it was drama witht he contest but it all worked out in the end, so i ordered a traditional cake from her !! Here it is!!!

There is going to be cake overload at my wedding!!!!!!!

The icing is going to be buttercream in basically the colors in the picture, Just tweaked to match my dress. It was so cool, I got to speak with Browen personally which is cool, because you know she is like a celebrity kinda, cuz I have seen her on TV on the food network and stuff! So she asked me to email her a picture of my dress so she could match the designs and colors perfectly!! It is going to be soo nice because my grandmother is making the cake topper, which is from a picture of
Kris and I, and he is in a tuxedo and I am in my wedding dress (she also asked for pictures so it could be just right!) and it is going to look so great with the cake matching as well!!!!! I can’t wait to see it all together!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHOOO HOOO
 

The flavors are different in each layer:Red velvet with Italian ButtercreamWhite pound cake with fresh strawberries and cream (if they are avail in October)White pound cake with white chocolateChocolate Raspberry TruffleWhite pound cake with lemon lavender filling (I know it sounds gross but it is soooo good!!!!!!!!!!) 

3 cakes that serve 100 each!!! It is going to be great!!! Every flavor is covered because the Vegas cake is 2 layers of white cake with strawberry puree and then 1 layer of strawberry cake with Italian Buttercream, then the turntables (
Kris’ groom’s cake) are going to be one with yellow cake and chocolate icing and one with chocolate cake with chocolate icing!!

Everything is covered!!!!!!!!

I WISH IT WAS TOMMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Thursday!!!

Just a short and sweet one today!

Ha ha I don’t know if that only applies to older women, more so jsut well endowed women cuz I kwno if I sunbathed topless it would look the same way one me!!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HAVE FUN TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Administrative Professionals Day!!!!!!!!

Wednesday!!!!!!

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is
tired and
just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a
few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. ‘I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask me one,

and if I
don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.’

This catches the blonde’s attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’ The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her

purse,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mail’s to all the smart friends he

knows, all
to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday!!!!!

 

‘OLD’ IS
WHEN…
 ’Your sweetie’ says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer,  ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’
‘OLD’ IS
WHEN…
 Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
‘OLD’ IS
WHEN…
 A sexy hottie catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

‘OLD’ IS
WHEN…
 Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS
WHEN…
 You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS
WHEN…
 You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

‘OLD’ IS
WHEN…
 ’Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fiber today.

‘OLD’ IS
WHEN…
 ’Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS
WHEN…
 An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

‘OLD’ IS
WHEN…
 You are not sure these are jokes?

 

To all my buddies!!!!!!!!

Hey guys, I know I don’t always get to read everyone’s blogs or go and leave boosters liek I should, becuase you guys always leave me such great notes and stuff, but I am lucky to get the 10 minutes or so int he mornign to post the jokes, which everyone seems to prefer anyway so….. My point was to say thanks to all my buddies, kinda kill a bunch of birds with one stone, so this is for all of you who have helped me on this journey. No I am not going anywhere jsut taking a moment to say thanks!!!!!!!!! LOVE YA!!!!!!!!

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