twintluv99

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take “coffee breaks?”*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The”

and ” IRS ” together, it spells
 

“THEIRS”?  

Valentine cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
“Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

I just had a dream about it

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.

So I am super excited this week!!!

I am loving my new meal plan!! Protein shake with banana for breakfast, meal replacement bar for 10am snack, salad for lunch, celery and carrots for 3pm snack, sensible dinner, i.e. baked chicken or soemthing along those lines!

And gues what……… so far this week already down 3 pounds!!!! I knwo it is not the end of the week yet, and we all know how the scale can betray us at the last minute, btu I really really really think I am going to hit my 5 pound week finally,a nd put my stupid plateau and my steroids behind me!!(I am on prescribed steroids for my Rheumatoid Arthritis! I jsut realized someone who hasn’t read previous blogs might be liek “what she is taking steroids, so I figured I better add that!!! )

So hopefully things will continue and I will be posting a 5 pound loos for this week!!

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it! as a public service.

GOOD
In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect
spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting any. Then he discovered the
problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted
sign which read ‘RADAR TRAP AHEAD!’ The officer later found a young
accomplice down the road with a sign reading, ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of
money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded
with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State
Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball.’
He replied, ‘Texas State Troopers don’t have balls.’ There was a moment of
silence while she smiled and he realized what he’d just said. He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too
hard to start her car.

Yeah I know, usually my Monday ones are UGHHHHH MONDAY!! But not today!!! It is a new week getting started and I am starting my new regimine. I am trying out a new meal plan and starting water aerobics and still swimming laps!! Steriods or not, I am really hoping to have a 5 pound loss this week!!! Wish me luck!!!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” 

Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, What was her maiden name. 

————————————————————— 
“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself,” 

————————————————————— 
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all,” 

“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.

————————————————————— 
 
Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 
1. All the DNA is the same. 
2. There are no dental records. 

————————————————————— 
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to
New York City?”

The agent replies, “Just a minute…”   “Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
————————————————————— 
Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. 

She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, I did that by accident.” 
She replied, “I know that, Grandpa.” 
He replied, “How did you know?” 
She said, “Because you didn’t say “asshole” afterward

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.  It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!’
I couldn’t remeber if I had posted this one already or not, sorry if I have, but I just thought it was hilarious!!!!

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

So I have to give a little back information for you all to get the true feeling of this blog, but my fiance’ and I have not been sleeping in the same bed for months now. NOT becuase we are fightign or anythign like that it is purely that we can’t sleep, well i can’t, int he same room becuase of his horrible snoring!! I mean i snore as well, but since loosing the weight, mine is not as bad as it used to be, but man, he goes to town!! I mean he even sleeps in the livingroom and I can still hear it in the back bedroom with the door closed. I am starting to wonder if the neighbors can even hear it, it is LOUD!!!

So, I sleep in the bed and he sleeps on the smae matress in the spare bedroom or on the couch! Hey, I have the early morning job, so I get the bed! So that is the backstory.

So last night we were watching a movie, and it was cold so i got up and went and got a blanket and sat back on the couch and was sittign there curled up in the blanket still fully dressed and he was just looking and me with a goofy smile, so I was like what? He was liek nothing, it is just really really goign to smell like you tommorrow morning , I can’t wait. So, I am like what is he talking about, but I didn’t really ask.

So this morning I am running super super late and I forget my stupid cell phone and I have to go back to the house and I walk in and he isn’t sleep on the couch anymore! He is in the bed!! Turns out every morning when I leave for work he goes and gets into the bed. He wasn’t quite sleep yet so i was teasing him and said, oh I see the minute I leave you run for the comfort of the bed, and he looked kinda offended and sad, and I again was like what?

He told me he gets int he bed every morning after I leave for work, and lays and smells the blankets cuz they smell like me!!! and they are all warm!! he says he usually stays in the bedroom until the last of my perfume that I put on that morning is gone, then he goes back to the couch. (He has a big 60′ TV that is in the livingroom, so I know he prefers to be in there than the bedroom, with my, as he puts it “little” 32′ TV!!!) 

So of course with everything that has been going on lately I was crying and all touched!! it is so sweet the little things our loved ones do that we don’t even know about!! I mean I know I have ocassionally found myself sniffign his sweatshirt or even sleeping in his clothes cuz they just smell liek him, btu I am a woman, and let’s face it we are usually the more sentimental ones, or apparently that may just be out in the open. I know he is the love of my life, and it just feels so good to finally be in a relationship where I know the other person is as just as much in love with me and I am with them. I have never had that before! It has always been more me than the other person, always me showing how much I care and never really feeling it back, but i feel his love everydaya nd let me tell you it is the greatest feeling in the world!!!

Just wanted to share that, hope you all have a love like mine in your life!!!

It is wednesday!! This week is half way over and it can’t end soon enough!! how about some laughs to brighten the day!!

 Sorry for the bad language, but I just thought this was too funny!!!

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!