Archive for January, 2008

Thursday!!!

Posted January 31, 2008 * Comments(8)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.  It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!’

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!

Wednesday!!!!!

Posted January 30, 2008 * Comments(7)

A little girl asked her mother: How did the human raceappear?

The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

 

Two days later she asks her father the same question.

The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.

 

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Mom how is it possible that youtold me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys.

 

 The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!

Tuesday!!!!

Posted January 29, 2008 * Comments(3)

Man, I am so tired!! 13 hour work day yesterday 7:00am-11:00pm!! Had a meetign in San Antonio!! ARGHHHH sooo tired!!

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.

Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her
mother what she wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble
at school and at home. Carol’s mother asked her if she thought she deserved
to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved
a bike for her birthday.

Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a
letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven’t been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike.
By now, she was very upset.

She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol’s
mother thought her plan had worked because Carol was sad and seemed
sincere.

“Just be home in time for dinner,” her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked
around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin
Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the
street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down
and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

I might have posted that one already!! Sorry if I have, sooooooo sleepy!!! Have a great day all!!!

1 POUND!!!

Posted January 28, 2008 * Comments(4)

1 POUND!!!!! 1 FREAKING POUND!!!!!

I for once am at a loss for words, I did everything food wise right, kicked my workouts up a notch!!!! Guess I really am at my plateau!!!!

I am going to up my calorie intake in an effort to jump start my metabolism and continue my work outs and just wait this out I guess!!!

Suggestions??? Comment????Advice?????????

Monday

Posted January 28, 2008 * Comments(2)

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the  coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.


 After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

“The woman replies, “It’s Keith. The midget.”

Yeah I know, but you gotta admit, you didn’t see that one coming!!!!

Man, wedding disaster averted this weekend!!!!

Posted January 28, 2008 * Comments(4)

So, one of my bridesmaids is prego!! WITH TWINS!!! so we had to see what her dress was going to look like with the baby bump!! She is due 3 weeks before the wedding, so we figure where she is now (2 months) is maybe near where she will be after she has the babies (well at least she does, i don’t know about all that, but she insists on still being fully involved so okay!!) so she tried on her dress and it was so cute with the bump!! YEAH!!!

THEN…………

I was like hey I am gonna put on my dress!!! OMG!!!! it looked hidious!!!!

Granted i had lost about 55 pounds since I last had it on, but it just did not look good at all!!! I was sooooo upset!! I mena I knew it was a plus sized dress but I really didn’t expect loosing a little weight to so greatly affect how it looked!!! I mena it made me look pregnant!!! I guess becuase my boobs are not massive like they used to be, i just don’t know but it was really unflattering and I was sooo upset!!! That is one of the details that I thought was set!!! So I am going with my choice number 2, which is defiitly now choice # 1!!! I have to be honest and say, i always wanted a corset dress anyway, and this one I loved loved loved when i first tried it one, btu my girls politely told me, it wasn’t that flattering to my shape, btu guess what, i got a new shape now,a nd it looks great!!! So this is the dress now!!! 3rd times the charm right!!!

Plus I ahve been assured by the owner of the botique that this one will only look better and better as I continue to loose weight!!!! I added photos below!!!

Phew,…….crisis adverted…let’s hope!!!

 

Thursday!!!

Posted January 24, 2008 * Comments(6)

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away…Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida ?????”

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburettor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

RIVER WALK

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE   

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So wh at? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.   

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.   

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

Tuesday!!!

Posted January 22, 2008 * Comments(4)

If only that were true!!!! Oh well how about a laugh anyway!!!

The doctor said, Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles. Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need.. a new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit. The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.” Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know” Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. ”

New suit - $ 400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second Opinion -

PRICELESS

Have a great day!!!!!

Just because it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t!!!

Posted January 21, 2008 * Comments(7)

Yeah, I had a horrible weekend, didn’t loose and weight, and still feel sore and achy doesn’t me I will not post a joke!!! We all still need a laugh right, now more than usual for me!!!

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’ 
 

The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’
  God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.


  A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat


  The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’ God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.


  About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’


 

The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’

Hey we need a cute clean one every once in awhile. Have a great day!!!

Very dissappointing!!!!!!!!!

Posted January 21, 2008 * Comments(7)

Omg, I don’t know where to even start!!

I had a horrible weekend, I busted my but helping Kris with a painting job and it took all weekend!! Litterally all weekend, so I am so upset becuase Angela was here in Houston and I was suck out in the freezing cold in the middle of nowhere painting a freaking house!!! so I didn’t make it to Houston to meet her!!! I am so mad!! I know she will be back in to weeks and I will definitly see her then but still!!! I wanted to see her this weekend!!! DANGIT!!

So after being all sore and barely able to walk after all the work i did this weekend, I get ont he scale and what do I get a big goose egg!!!!!!! i cried!!! It has been a long time since I have cried at the scale, but I am not sure if it was just sheer exaustion (I knwo I know I can’t spell and the spell checker isn’t working, but you know what I mean, I was tired as hell!!!!) but I just sat in the floor of my bathroom and cried for about 5 minutes, till I got ahold of myself.  I mean I worked sooooo hard this week and then I just knew the extra manual labor painting would get me something, but nada!! Not even one lousy pound!!

Well te great thing is, this week is a new week. So hopefully i will get to the 5 pounds this week!!! So sad to say, still only 4 pounds down 36 to go for Vegas!!! Man, this sucks!!

Angela, sorry again that I didn’t get to meet you this weekend!!!

 

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