twintluv99

Just becuase someone asked,I wanted to let you all know I am not getting my convertible at this time even though I reached my goal. I am still gettign it, just not right now, with the house and the wedding and work, i just have too much goign on, but believe me, i will get it!!!!

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both     male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

We should’ve known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

And some christmas jokes/funny pictures, just for laughs!!!!

and since I can’t rember if I posted this one already or not, here it is again!!!

I have a meeting in San Antonio this morning soI have to get ont he road, so just one joke today!!!!

Bill Clinton started jogging near his New home in Chappaqua. 
 

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
Street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

“Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb.

“No, Five dollars!” Fired back
Clinton

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He’d run by and she’d yell, “Fifty dollars!”
And he’d yell back,”Five dollars!”
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her
Husband on his jog!
 

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would
Bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, There was the hooker! 

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, 

The hooker yelled…See what you get for five bucks!?”

Are you ready???

I did it!!!! I have now lost 100 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whooo hooo talk about happy!!!!

Of course not since I joined buddyslim, but since I started working out in January!!! So pretty much just in time, my goal was to loose it by December and gosh darnit, i did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am on Cloud Nine!!! Doing the Happy dance, now just another 80 to go and I am where I want to be!!!!!!!!!!!!

A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?”

The guy responds, “Why, You don’t have any ears.”

Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.”

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?”

The guy responds, “Why, You don’t have any ears.”

Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.”

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy “What ever you do, don’t say anything about his not having any ears - He’ll kick you right out.”

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?”

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, “Why, you wear contact lenses don’t you.”

The interviewer says, “That’s impressive that you’re so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?”

3rd guy “Because you don’t have any damn ears to hang glasses on.”

Friendship and love defined in  a single photo…….
HAVE A  GREAT DAY…  

it is Monday!!!! And I am glad cuz now I am only 5 days away from havign my house completely set up, or at least gettign the rest of my stuff!! The movers are bringing all the big furniture on Friday!! Whoooo hooo, gives me all weekend to get it set up, just in time for Christmas!!!

Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieter’s Version
=============================================Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.

The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I’ll starve… ’til I take that first bite!

 There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”

She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did, ” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o’clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, “How can this be?”

To which the man replied, “Because tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”

 One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.

The chief then said “All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, “Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!”

The second guy answered while still laughing, “I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples.”

The teacher walks into the room and says… “OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence.”

Little Susie stands up and say “The sky is DEFINITLY blue.”

The teacher says; “Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try.”

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says ” Yes Johnny, What is it?”

Johnny says ” I have a question.”

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says “Do Farts have lumps?”

The teacher says, “Well no they don’t.”

Little Johnny says “Well then I DEFINITLY just shit my pants!!!”

(crude yeah but funny!!!!!!)

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

I got an email this morning from a fellow warrior this morning. I say warrior in the sense that we are all in a battle here. Some are fighting harder than others, some demons are worse, so temptations stronger, more to loose, different issues, but we are all fighting here. I just really wanted to say something, but I wasn’t sure what, so when I am at a loss for words i do what (I feel!!) i do best and that is just speak straight from the heart, because it is the only thing that has never, ever let me down!!

They were speaking of emotional eating and I know how that goes becuase I too was an emotional eater. And I know I shouldn’t say was, becuase it is kinda like any addiction, you are just recovering, but I know you guys know what I mean. I know that I personlly feel some times like weight and food issues is a especially hard issue becuase you have to eat to live. I mean a alchoholic doesn’t have to drink to live. It is like if a recovering alchoholic had to spend 8 hours everyday in a bar, oh but don’t drink.. hummmm hard right. Well I just felt really bad becuase, i really believe this is about more than just loosing weight and working out for some of us (and i am referrign more to those of us who have real weight to loose, don’t send me hate emails (which i knwo I will receive anyway) but I am sorry but the person who is loosing 10 pounds and the person who is tryign to loose 150 are not going thru the same things!). We really need to look at our relationship with food. When I first started I would really look at each and everything I ate and why was I eating it. Was it becuase i was hungry and needed to eat or was it becuase i was upset about something? I don’t know, now I feel I have gotten off track, but I really just wanted to say something to this person to offer some kind of encouragement but more than that, jsut to say I UNDERSTAND. I have been there, and are still there, and all you can do it take it one day at a time and do your best. You may fail sometimes or cheat or however you want to phrase it, but I just try to look at it like i may loose some battles, but I WILL WIN THE WAR!!!!

Hope this helps!!!

So, I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday, I was soooo busy, but I am back today, so here’s some laughs!!!

 On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

The blonde said “I know I just now got the first one!!!”

 3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, “However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven”.

He asked, “Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!” and the man sobbed, “My wife just went by on roller skates”.

 And last but not least…..

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

Yep more weddign prep.  photo’s!!!

Hey my dress makes me feel like a princess, so any chance to put it on again and I am on it!! Plus this was from Thanksgiving weekend when my mom and sister got to see the dress for the first time!!!

Me, Pam and my neices (minus Trinity, the littlest one!!!):

(yeah the boob part on my dress was a little (well more than a little) snug, but hey it is still a smaller size!!!!)

I don’t know what I was laughing at but I guess it was really really funny!!!

Me and my mom!!!:

This picture does not do this dress justice!!! She looked amazing!!!:

until we saw the price tag!!!! More than my dress!! This was our reaction which my sister happened to catch!!

(man my skin looks bad!!! I had eaten alot of cakes and stuff and my face was n ot happy with me, hadn’t had that junk in more than 6 months prior!!!)

Don’t know what I was looking at!!!!