Archive for November, 2007

Thursday!!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00……on one
condition.” (There are always conditions) Flabbergasted, the woman
asked what the condition was. The man replied, “You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words.” (controlling huh?) The woman
considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from
her
purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She
looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said …

“Clean my house.”

Wednesday!!!!

A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN.

 A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, “YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS

 OPEN.” NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING

 A BIT PUZZLED.

 WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, “YOUR FLY IS

 OPEN.” HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING.

 AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS

 THAT TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS “BARRACKS DOOR.”

 HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE

 COUNTER HE SAID, “WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A

 MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?”

 THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND

 SAID , “NO, NO I Didn’t. ALL I SAW WAS A DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A

 COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS.”

HA HA

Tuesday!!!

The Box Under Bill and Hillary’s Bed When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?” Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” Hillary was shocked, but thought - Jennifer, Paula and Monica. She told Bill, “I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior.” Thinking to herself, however, she reflected that since Bill was obviously addicted to $ex, and it only happened 3 times, that’s not that bad considering his problem. Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

Monday!! Sharky is rubbing off on me!!!

Definitly not ready for Monday!!!

So Sharky, i am with ya now, cuz my car has crapped out on me. I haven’t even had it 2 years, aren’t Lincoln Town Cars supposed to be dependable?? Well so the sucker won’t come out of Park, and I had a Ford Taurus that did the same thing and it was the transmission and it was $2000 for a new one, so i guess i will be on a car hunt!! I was so looking forward to no car payment!!! Such is life I guess…………………..

Anyway enough bad, how about a laugh!!!

Jane and Arlene

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

The pharmacist fainted.

More Wedding photos of course

So two of my girls came up from San Antonio this weekend so we could do 1 more dress try on and stuff before people buy their dresses (Well i guess there will be one more with Pam in Houston over the Thanksgiving holidays but she is so easy, she will be fine with these choices!!).

So here is the final dress witht hem in their bridesmaid dresses also:

AND I JUST HAD TO INCLUDE THIS AWESOME SIDE SHOT !!!

and of course you know how girls are, so of course they wanted to try on bride’s dresses also, btu they looked so cute so I am including this one also!!

Have a good day!!!

Wow I don’t even recognize myself!!!

So my friends were up this weekend and we were doing wedding stuff so i was feeling all nostalgic, and was lookign at some old pictures!! I didn’t even recognize myself!!! These are from my 21st bday party (so that is why there is so much alchohol in them!!!)

This party was out of Lake Conroe in Houston!

me sonia and Ginger!!

 me standing in front of the lake!!

 me and Sonia!!

 me & laura!!!

 me and Sonia

Just looking back at these I feel proud!!! I can see the progress!!!

Finally loaded the pictures from the black and white party!!!!

So I finally got the pictures loaded from the black and white playboy bday party for a friend of mine. I blogged about it about a month ago if you care to go back!! Well anyway here are the pictures!! I think thye turned out good except for the fact that

1. I realized I really only took pictures of my immediate friends so it is like the same few people in alkl the pictures and…

2. You can’t tell what I had on!! It was soooo cute on but it just didn’t photograph well. It looks like just a plain black shirt and a well i am not sure, but it is one of those pant suit like outfits where it is like long dress pants with like a sheer layer over it that looks like a skirt!! looks much better in person, but all in all I think the pictures turned out okay, so here they are:

Some decorations and the cake:

(lef tot right) Ginger (bridesmaid), me, and Sonia (Maid of honor):

( I really like this picture!! Not because it is such a great picture of me, but because I see alot of progress!! I am going to scan in some pictures of the three of us together for my 21st bday and the difference between us is alot more!!! I was happy when I saw this!!! Just to be one of the girls, instead of the “fat friend!!” Not that I ever really took on that role, but you know…..)

Me and my baby:

(left to right) Ginger, Nakia (the birthday girl, that is why she got to wear pink!!), and Sonia:

Eurial (Sonia’s boyfriend!!), Sonia and Eurial’s brother:

(FYI, I hope the name tags aren’t reading clearly, but if they are, since it was playboy themed we all had to go by a “porn star” name!!!)

Some other party guest:

I know it is way late but I got asked about it the other day so i figured i would go ahead and post them. Hope everyone had a good weekend!!!

FRIDAY!!!!! WHOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE MOLE FAMILY

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, “Yum! I smell maple syrup!”

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, “Oh, Yum! I smell honey!” 

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, 


“Geez, all I can smell is…

MOLASSES!

Thursday!!!

Just some things to think about:

Smile    

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants. 

  
   Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it.
So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
 
 

How come we choose from just two people to run for   president and over fifty for Miss


America ?


 
 
 
  I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
 
 
When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”  
 
Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we    messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?  
  
 

 
 
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison and rehab facilities?
Wouldn’t you know it….
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
 
  Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

 

 

And remember: life

is like a roll of toilet paper.

The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Happy Hump Day!!!!!!

This year’s Stella Awards

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual “Stella Awards.” The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald’s. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States .

Here are this year’s winners:

7th Place

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas , was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside of a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son.

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6 th Place

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

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5th Place

Terrence Dickson of Bristol , Pennsylvania , was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.  He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place !

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4th Place

Jerry Williams of Little Rock , Arkansas , was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.  The award was less than originally sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time, by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

*********************************
3rd Place

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania , $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

*********************
2nd Place

Kara Walton of Claymont , Delaware , successfully sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.  This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

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1st Place

This year’s runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma . Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich.  Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

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