Archive for November, 2007

Okay need a laugh???

Posted November 30, 2007 * Comments(4)

Okay so I figured since my girl is getting married tommorrow and I am planning my wedding also, I would come back and post some wedding laughs!!!

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to  be gentle. I am still a virgin.”

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform.  He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send  me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn’t get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the  old saying-’Those who CAN, DO; those who can’t, teach.’

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department.  He knew he had the order, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able  to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how,  but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren’t clear on how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product. he just wasn’t sure how to position it.

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist.  All he ever wanted to do was  talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to  do was . . . -God I miss him!

So now I’ve married you, and I’m really excited.”

“Why is that,” asked the lawyer. “Well, it should be obvious!  You’re a lawyer!!  I just know I’m going to get screwed this time!

young couple were married and then embarked on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride ran to the phone and called her mother, who asked, “How was your honeymoon, dear?” “Oh, mama!” she replied, “The honeymoon was so wonderful and romantic…” But then, suddenly she burst out crying and said “but, mama, as soon as we returned home, he started using the most horrible language… things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!”

“Darling, darling,” her mother said, “calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?” And, the daughter cried “please don’t make me tell you, mama! I’m so embarrassed - they’re just too awful! Just come and get me, please!”

“Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset… tell me these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama… words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…!”

Have a GOOD ONE!!!! Toni

Friday!!!

Posted November 30, 2007 * Comments(2)

Sorry guys, no laugh this morning, super busy and I am only working a half day today becuase I have the owner’s daughters spa day today so i am leaving in a little bit. just wanted to get on and wish everyone a happy weekend!!

Oh yeah, here is a link to my wedding webpage, if your interested!!

 http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/ToniMickle&KrisWatters

Thursday!!!

Posted November 29, 2007 * Comments(3)

So, i got my car dropped of last night and had dinner with my dad in San Antonio for his bday, so hopefully my car will be ready tonight as promised!! kris is kinda bummed becuase he is like I am gonna miss the cowboys game!! Yeah I love football too, but I NEED my car back so if I have to miss a game to go get it, that is fine by me!!!! Hopefully we will get it in time to still maybe hit a sports bar or somethign in SA so he can at least see some of it or the second half!! He is sweet he had the pouty face but eh was like well i know you need you car so……. So anyway hopefully I will get it back good as new!!!

 

 

This should be in our vowels as much as I am on the computer!!!!

Wow, I loved these books as a kid!!!!

Hvae fun today!!!!!!!!!!!

More time today!!!

Posted November 28, 2007 * Comments(5)

Okay sorry, I was sooooo busy yesterday. having to do invoicing is always a crunch, but with having to go to San Antonio on Monday really cheated me out of a day so I had to push it, but I got it all done!!! okay so to some more drama, my car!!!

So, now the trunk latch broke, came flying up on mewhen I was driving to San Antonio, and of course it is still practically sitting on the ground!! I swear it dropped another 2 inches last night. So, my dad is in the car business ont he side so he has a mechanic and he can fix my trunk and my air suspension (yeah cuz the whole point of having a Lincoln Towncar is for the smooth luxurious ride and if i ain’t gonna get that, then this baby is going up for sale!!!) for only $500!! The cheapest place I found here was $2,000. i know what you are thinking this is not some hustler or anything like that, this is my dad’s business partner so eh is only charging me for the parts!!! So Kris and I are driving to San Antonio tonight to drop off my car and he said he can get it done Thursdaya nd I can pick it up Thursday night, so whoooo hooo. It is like fitting into a old pair of jeans again!!! Can’t wait to have my nice ride back,a nd the best part is, it is paid for, so no car payment still!!! I was getting worried I was goign to have to get a new car and start this car payment thing again!! I finally ahve both my cars paid off (I have a Mitsubishi Mirage also) and I am in no rush to get a car payment again!!! Okay okay now for a laugh!!!

I love these priceless ones!!!!

 Now that is just nasty!!!!!

And last but not least………………………..

Busy busy busy

Posted November 27, 2007 * Comments(2)

Sorry guys, super busy at work!!!!!!

It’s Monday and I’m back!!!!!!!

Posted November 26, 2007 * Comments(3)

 To all my buddies out there, welcome back!! Well actually i was the one who has been gone for days, but you know what I mean!!!

Hope eveyone had a good holiday!! Mine was great!!! Went with my mom, sister and my neices to try on dresses for them, my flower girls, and I got into a size smaller in my dress!!! WHOOOO HOOO!!! I am now in a 24!!! i ordered it in a 18, but I sitll have a little short of a year so i know I will be in it no problem!!!!!!!! Had a really good time spending time with my family, love Pam, she is awesome and we always have a good time when we are together!!! Did some black Friday shopping and got stuff for the house!! It was hard becuase I wanted to buy so much stuff but Kris being the money man he is, was like why spend money on stuff we are goign to want to register for in the wedding, so yeah it makes sense but still………………………………….. so anyway had a good time!!!

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?” She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts
Her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?”
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, “Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

Thanksgiving!!!!

Posted November 21, 2007 * Comments(3)

 Well today I do since it is practically Friday!!!!

How about some Thanksgiving jokes?

What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
If your papa could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,”
little Timothy wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in
New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls
Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

And Thanksgiving would not be Thanksgiving without the good ole Black November Poem!!!

Black November
 A Turkey’s Lament

 When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
 My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

 Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
 And he told me there was something that I had to know;

 His look and his tone I will always remember,
 When he told me of the horrors of ….. Black November;

 ”Come about August, now listen to me,
 Each day you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
 And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

 ”And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
 In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head;

 ”Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald’n pink,
 And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink,

 ”And then comes the worst part” he said not bluffing,
 ”She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing”.

 Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
 I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

 And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
 I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked;

 I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
 High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

 And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
 I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,

 I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
 And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

 But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
 As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

 And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
 I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

 So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
 I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap,

 She held me today, while sewing and humming,
 And smiled at me and said “Christmas is coming……..”

Tuesday (well more like Thursday!!)

Posted November 20, 2007 * Comments(5)

Two Blondes With Hammers…

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”

Donna got completely upset and yelled , “You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

**********************

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see “Closed for the Winter.”


**********************

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her. “Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.


“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?”


“No, Silly” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.


“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, “I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”


“So then?”


“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: “This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”


*****************

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, “Why, that’s a thermos…..it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.”
“Wow, said the blonde, “that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!! ” So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
“What’s that,” he asked?
“Why, that’s a thermos…..it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied…….”Two popsicles and some coffee.”


************

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST ….

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, “Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.”
“Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
“What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?” he asks.
“No!” exclaims the blonde. “I just received horrible news from my sister. Her mother died, too!”

Monday, but luckily it is a short week!!!!

Posted November 19, 2007 * Comments(3)

Man, what a weekend!!!! I gained 9 pounds!!!! Not just over this weekend but I injured my knee on Thursday and haven’t been able to really do anything, and honestly with the holidays coming up this week and all the stress I have been under, I just didn’t make the effort to really watch my eating since I was unable to work out!! I know I know shame on me, but let me tell you when I am in the kind of pain I was in this weekend, I didn’t care about anything!!! Usually when my knee cap comes out of scoket I can put it right back in, it is excrusiating but only till it gets back in, but oh no!!! not this time it was out for almost 10 hours so I was in alot of pain so after and then it continued to hurt for the entire weekend, so I spent the whole weekend in bed!! Literally!!! Honestly I am not super concerned, I “started” also (you ladies and married men knwo what i am refering to!!) and I always retain alot of water, so I figure they will eb back off by next week so i am not going to stress about it. I am going to enjoy my holidays, cuz lord knows I need it!!, and I willbe back hard core on Monday!!! Okay okay enough about me, I know you guys just want the joke, so here it is……………

THE ZIPPER A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN.

 A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, “YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS

 OPEN.” NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING

 A BIT PUZZLED.

 WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, “YOUR FLY IS

 OPEN.” HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING.

 AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS

 THAT TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS “BARRACKS DOOR.”

 HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE

 COUNTER HE SAID, “WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A

 MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?”

 THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND

 SAID , “NO, NO I Didn’t. ALL I SAW WAS A DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A

 COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS.”

Did I post that one already? hummmmm, well just in case here is another………………

NEVER LET YOUR MOM DO YOUR WEDDING INVITATION WHEN SHE DOESN’T LIKE THE WOMAN YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO MARRY!!!

The Weekend is here, finally!!!!

Posted November 16, 2007 * Comments(3)

 

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep poop now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That poodle nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he
can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.  

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Come here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine”.

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet…and just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says….

“Where’s that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Next Page »